It’s raining outside. I’m sitting in the dark, lost in my own thoughts as Coldplay soothes me in the background with “Fix You.” Apt, indeed. Just the song and lyrics I want to hear. It’s been a while since I sat down and listened to my head thinking.
I used to find it hard to think without feeling each thought. Right now, I’m doing exactly that. Letting thoughts pour in, free-flowing. Unfiltered. Unhindered. Raw. I should do this more often.
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A few weeks ago, the father of my kids, in one of our routine calls, cheerily called me a very sweet term of endearment. Sweet. Except that he had never called me that before–ever. I have always been Mommy Yo to him–even when we had long parted ways.
Two weeks ago, he finally admitted that he has a girlfriend. My immediate response was, “What’s her name?” He answered with a chuckle and said, “Di sya maganda. Don’t worry, you and I and the kids are still going to Disneyland.”
Yipee. Then I don’t need to know her name.
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Leaving is never easy. Especially if it involves friends that you had shared so much of your life with. I decided to leave some friends behind. It’s something that I should have done ages ago, when my gut instinct had told me that the friendship is not worth staying on for anymore. But I had chosen to look the other way and thought that maybe time could heal all wounds. That maybe, we still could salvage what we used to have. That maybe all the hypocrisy would eventually stop. Was I so wrong.
I’ve been crossing my fingers for too long, I think I fractured them.
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Speaking of friends, a very dear friend whom I haven’t seen for almost twelve years now came knocking on my gate last Sunday. Years may have drawn lines on the faces of everybody that I know–but not on Ted’s face. He looked almost exactly as I had remembered him. He’s got a little tummy bulge now, though. But well, among our friends, who doesn’t?
We talked and caught up with each other’s lives. It’s amazing how conversations with dear friends could seemingly just pick up from where they left off years and years ago.
About to board the plane, he texted me, “I’m missing you already.” That was the sweetest thing that he had said/texted to me in almost 12 years. :) It feels good to have great friends.
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It’s been a little over three months since the son of one of my best friends died. I have no idea how things are within her, really. I don’t want to ask. Even if I do, I wouldn’t know how. I don’t even want to talk about how painful things might have been for her. I simply couldn’t imagine. All I know is that she is definitely one of the strongest women I have ever known.
I’ve always admired her integrity, her intelligence, and her focus. Now, I admire her more for her resilience and strength. It’s something that I could only wish for myself.
If I haven’t been with her a lot lately, it’s because I believe she needs all the time to be with herself and her family at this point. Truth is, what happened three months ago was a vicarious experience that had affected me as a mother, more than I would ever care to admit.
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On a much lighter note, my sister and I were watching a video on YouTube just this evening. As cheesy as it may sound, I had a good laugh watching the Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho video.
It wasn’t funny ha-ha. It’s a mere testament to how stupid people sometimes get.